I hate how anything I do is never enough for her. I clean and organize to make things nice and she flips out. She keeps talking about me to her friends on the street and even her friends and Cambridge have said things to my dad. I am seriously sick of it. Being there makes me want to hurt myself because nothing can hurt more right now than everything I’m feeling on the inside. She’s always there for everyone else, but not for me when I really need her. Instead of being concerned that I was in the hospital, she was mad, because she knew I’d be talking to a social worker, first words out of her mouth when I got back was “Fine, I’ll get rid of the f****ing cats!” I hate it! She said that just to put me on a guilt trip… I’m actually allergic to the cats and of course she doesn’t care.
I can’t stand it here sometimes. When I’m here, just sitting around with everyone, I become someone I really don’t like. I’ve made so many gay jokes this summer and that’s not me at all. Everyone around expects it from me though. I hate that! I’ve posted on my cousin’s wall that the 58 year old he’s living with, has AIDS. Obviously I’ve taken it off his wall because I know that was completely immature. I also said it to him when he knocked on the door and then I slammed the door in his face and everyone thought it was great! I hate myself for how mean I’ve been to those who really don’t deserve it. Frank isn’t a bad guy and I’ve been making a whole lot of jokes about him. Sure, I’ve tried defending him, but every time I do, it only leads to more arguments with everyone here. So, I’m done with it. I am just going to try to find more work, get off this street for a majority of the time that I’m here and for the times that I am here… just shut my mouth and agree with them. Because every time I say what I need to say, I just end up in arguments.So I guess I’ll just go back to constantly faking smiles… I hate that since I’ve been back, I haven’t cried. I need to, but I can’t.
Oh so this what happened this morning. Lois came over and brought Dunkin Donuts, as usual. So, we’re all talking, my mother, Lowis and I. And the conversation is about George, big surprise! So, the conversation leaves my mother really upset with me, but Lowis is totally understanding of what I said this morning. George has been on his medication for a long time. And his psychiatrist has been known to put people in the hospital due to over-medicating them. The medication is messing with his mind. I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of his actions are due to the medication that he’s taking. My mother and John, they both want the psychiatrist to put George on more medication. They’re using the medication as a form of control. He’ll literally become a zombie if more is added. I’ve seen him before with his medicine and all he wants to do when he’s on his meds is sleep and he becomes really extra quiet. That’s not a life, that’s a zombie. So, I’ve just decided that no matter what I say or Lois says, by the way, she doesn’t trust the psychiatrist at all, no matter what we say, my mother and John will get the last word and they’re sticking firmly to this idea that psychiatric medication solves the world’s problems. I need to find Uncle Rick. I’m going to find him. Lois said to me to let her know when George gets back, that her and I can figure things out and hopefully she can find him work. Hopefully, I can find Uncle Rick.
This day/night was actually very good. Nothing much really happened in the morning. Bubbles surprised me with a visit today! We went to the NS Mall and then headed back to my place. We had lunch and watched Dirty Dancing. I also cooked dinner. So, Bubbles got me work this summer! He was talking to his boss and had mentioned that I wanted to help out and make some money this summer. So, I spoke with him and I went to Cambridge with Stephy and Bubbles to a night club, called, Middle East. It was awesome! I worked security. So I actually patted down and searched people before they went into the concert. And, I made 10 dollars. We literally just got back about 45 minutes ago.
Today was Memorial Day. I went out with a friend. We chatted, we had a cookout, we went in the pool and it was a good day.. for the most part. I’ve missed my uncle all day.. a lot. He served the US. He was a soldier in the army. He’s my hero and he’s not even around for me to tell him that. Every day, men and women put their lives on the line to protect us. God bless those who are fighting right now for our freedoms, those fallen heroes and their families.